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Like A Phoenix from the Ashes ...
 
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Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in Like a Phoenix From the Ashes' LiveJournal:

Saturday, November 11th, 2006
11:25 am
[logicalargument]
The angrier side of grief
While I am waiting for a client to fail to show up for a Saturday appointment (aren't people SO considerate?), I posted something to griefrecovery about Krystle, and I decided to post a slightly different version of it here, as well.

In about a week (the 19th) the day will fall which would have been Krystle's 21st birthday. As the people in this community already know, Krystle (sad_little_scar) killed herself on September 27.

Right now I'm feeling a lot of really intense anger at Krystle. She hurt a lot of people by making that choice, including me and some very dear friends of mine. All of the instant messaging conversations and LJ conversations and late-night telephone conversations and text messages, even the personal visit Ken and I made to Krystle in June and the time we spent with her, and all the times our other friends reached out to her and showed her, over and over again, that they, too, cared about her - none of it was enough to keep her with us. She still went ahead and did it, and sometimes it really feels like a huge "fuck-you" to all of us.

Today I am trying to give myself permission to experience the anger that I feel, that Krystle chose not to keep trying, that she chose not to be here to turn 21. Sometimes it's hard to allow myself to feel that anger but I feel that I really need to confront that anger right now.

Current Mood: angry
Monday, November 6th, 2006
12:53 pm
[silicontomcat]
Welcome
Welcome aboard Jess. Always glad to meet a friend of Ellen's.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
6:25 pm
[logicalargument]
I am going to leave this community now because I am being too tempted to discuss things here that I should not discuss. I would rather leave, so that this community can be a safe place for others.

Edited, July 10, 2006: I'm back, and thank you, justpapabear, for allowing me back. And happy birthday to gahelle!
Monday, May 8th, 2006
11:36 pm
[anthrprettyface]
Ya know, it's not as if I needed more help in feeling like I wasn't pulling enough weight around here. It's not as if I needed more help in feeling like I was inadequate in my contribution to the society at large, or the family in particular. It's not as if I needed help in feeling like I don't matter. Cause I really didn't need any of that. Nope. Not today, not yesterday, not any day.

Nor did I need any help in feeling alone and depressed. I truly didn't need any of that.

The doc gave me some prescriptions for Celexa and Trazadone, the former to be taken in the morning, the latter to be taken before bed.

Celexa, as it was explained to me, is a much cheaper alternative to Lexapro, its molecular mirror (or so I understand it). Trazadone is an old-fashioned, put a person out of misery by way of sleep, kind of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med.

It is also the only thing that has ever been able to make me sleep. I took it half an hour ago. I'm wide awake.

This last few weeks have been absolute hell. I love my brother and I am very glad that they are all here. Don't misunderstand that. I just feel more than ever that I am alone and useless. I mean, I make enough money to (barely) support myself, but I am not the only person I have to support. Now then, leave me with the electric bill for two months, the phone bill for two months, and the water bill for two months, for a house with five bedrooms and two baths... any wonder I am broke? And then he wants to know what I have to contribute to the grocery bill this week. "What part of I am broke didn't you get?" I ask him. So when I finally come up with $15 (by pushing back a bill I told him had to paid this week), he says to get some milk and bread and don't worry about it. I am so confused.

Yesterday, they were asking about curtains for their younger boy's room. They had hung a blanket over the window, but wanted their blanket for their bed. Understandable. I have another set of curtains, no rods as of yet, but there are these levlour shade things... So I say they can use those, if he will help me hang the shades/blinds/what the hell ever they are. It makes more sense, as he has one window, I have two, those curtains are only two panes, while my others are four panes. Until I get rods, though, the curtains and rods my mother gave me are in his room, and I am making do with the shades, no problem.

Except that he took my curtains down, moved them, and left my windows bare. I had to hang the damn shades by myself. A neat trick (and I am surprised they didn't fall down), which included me cursing a lot and throwing tools across the room. Because the wood is VERY old and hard, and I couldn't get some of the screws in all the way. This is WITH an electric screw-driver!

He bought his boys Taco Bueno for dinner, then he and the wife went out to eat. I ate peanut butter sandwiches. Nick had leftovers, but he seemed to enjoy those. Despite the fact it wasn't the pasta meal he really wanted. I just kept thinking, "Just be glad you aren't eating peanut butter sandwiches and Ramen noodles, Hon, cause that may be what we get next week." I didn't have the heart to tell him that, though.

Let me put it this way. I have a car payment, which takes up most of every other pay check, two credit card bills, and the utilities. Rent? What's that? Oh, that I thing I owe two months of. Right, so after gas, bills and playing catch-up on everything I am already behind on, I am broke. When do I get to do grocery shopping, buy new shoes for my son, let alone new clothes. It's pretty sad. He's supposed to wear certain colored, plain shirts as part of his school 'uniform' and he wears the same shirt several times a week, just puts on a clean undershirt, because I can't even afford to buy him shirts for school. Think about when you were in school. What does that make the other kids do? No wonder he hates school all of a sudden. Not learning, no he still loves that. Caught him the other day doing some of his homeschool computer programs - ON THE WEEKEND!!! No, he just doesn't like school.

The boys (mostly the oldest) did some major yard work this weekend. I tried. It took me the better part of the day to pull up the grass, weeds, rocks, trash, etc. from about 15 square feet of a 100 square foot court yard. And that hurt. Yeah, it hurts to do much of anything these days, and for that I have Cycloben. Gee, with all the prescriptions, I can almost open my own damn pharmacy! Let's not forget the Naproxen, the one I can take when I am at work. Which I have been taking almost daily before lunch.

No, I don't feel inadequate or useless at all. Not at all.
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